May 28, 2007

Pastor Appreciation Humor

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."


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A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

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LET'S COMPARE!

A church personnel committee asked their pastor to evaluate his ministry in comparison to the ministry of Jesus. Here is his humble response:

**JESUS **PASTOR

Walks on water.........................Slips on ice

Changes water into wine...........Changes water into coffee

Welcomes children.................Has children's sermon

Curses fig tree...................Kills houseplants

Stills the storm..................Puts storm windows on sills

Feeds 5,000.......................Buys snacks for youth program

Heals centurion's servant at a distance...Can use the TV remote control

Heals paralyzed man...............Gets children to do chores

Overturns money-changer tables....Puts away folding tables

Raises the dead...................Wakes teenagers

Casts out demons..................Turns on night-light

Cleanses lepers...................Has changed dirtydiapers

Light of the World................Turner of light switches

Stands at door and knocks.........Has church key

Calls disciples...................E-mails deacons and elders

By: J. Christy Ramsey
Published in ECULAUGH a humor meeting on www,Ecunet.org in February of 1997.
It was also published in "Holy Hillarity" by Cal Samra and the "Joyful Noiseletter".


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The shortness of a sermon

Scientists have discovered that sound travels faster in the summer than in the winter. Sound travels through the summer air at 1,266 feet a second. In cold air sound travels as slow a 1,066 feet per second. So this means that sermons preached in the summer will naturally be shorter, right?

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A Pastor's Collar

A minister was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

He told him he was a minister and this is the uniform ministers wear.

Then the boy pointed to the minister's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"

The minister was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid. So the minister took it out and handed it to the boy to show him.

On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the minister asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes, I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read.

Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months."

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TOP 7 SIGNS YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION

7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are "Alright, listen up you heathens..."

6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.

5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda Shorts and a Tank Top.

4. Every time his pager goes off, he shouts, "Why can't they just leave me alone?!"

3. Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon.

2. You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out to him and he says, "Sounds like a personal problem to me."

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION

1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.
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THE NUMBER ONE SIGN THE CONGREGATION NEEDS A VACATION FROM THE

PASTOR:

For the past two months, the pastor has preached the same sermon every Sunday -- and nobody has noticed!

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Pastoral position open.

Wanted: A puppet. Good idea to bring tape recorder to call committee meetings for later use. Biblical knowledge optional. Must have large stomach for the coffee expected to drink at the local restaurant. Please leave new ideas at home, but our "friendly congregation" is open to change. Will need own snowpants, parkas, hats, mittens and boots for our "warm" congregation. Pastor with a family is desired...but make sure children are not noticeable.

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